Reaching the goal and drowning yourself again.

Have you ever told yourself after this one next thing happens, you'll feel better? Then, instead of feeling better you convince yourself you're drowning in an ocean of entirely different problems?

That's today.

Yesterday I kept thing that once we heard about the apartment today I would feel a lot better. We'd know if we had a place to live, we would pick a move in date, and I could start slowing packing and preparing to move in... oh my goodness... a week? Two?

But then how are we actually going to move. How much is a truck going to cost? How are we going to get both of our cars there and all of our stuff? Are we even going to, realistically, have enough money for not only that - but food and diapers? What if we don't?

I told someone earlier I feel like I'm standing in the middle of a mud pit. I can figure out how to get out of it but I need help getting all of the tools to do it. So I'm standing in the middle of it asking (and in some cases, begging) for the people we know to help us. We do have a lot of help in different places. We're fortunate enough to have people who will give help when they can. We've tried to live by that... when you have it to give, give it, so you'll keep having it sort of mentality so maybe that's why we're still fortunate enough to have people who will help. I've just had to ask for so much help lately.

But I'll have to ask for more at some point, you know?

I struggle. I feel like I've spent large portions of my life struggling. Sometimes that's hard, when you see people around you who seem to float through life so... comfortably. Now of course you don't know where they've struggled and maybe they haven't but that their own life. We all struggle from time to time and the fact of the matter is you have to choose to get through your struggles or give up. I've looked at giving up. I've held the option in my hand, turned it from side to side, examined it, and I've always seemed to choose putting it back on the self. Sure, it's always an option. To say "Giving up isn't an option!" is just a lie. Maybe it's not an option you'll choose but some of us have to look at that option from time to time and consider why it's so important to not choose it.

For today I've conceded to making two to-do lists. The short one, the kind of one most of us think 'normal' 'functional' people don't have to make. This one reads something like 1. Take a shower 2. Put on clean clothes, not pajamas, clothes 3. Start laundry 4. Clean something, we won't even be specific just clean something today 5. Finish that laundry you started 6. Take Jackson outside, go to the park, anything really 7. Eat something at some point. Sometimes I have to remind myself just to get that stuff done because the next thing I know it's 11pm, Russ is getting home and I'm unshowered, in my pajamas, and we've done nothing but sit inside all day. My bigger to-do list looks something like 1. Figure out how to pay for truck rental 2. Acquire boxes for packing and begin to pack 3. Start deep cleaning areas of the apartment 4. All of the other stuff you can't even figure out you need to do, yet. If I just stare at the one with the big, 'scary' things to do I wont even start on the smaller one.

So for now, while Jackson is awake, fed, changed, and playing I'll take a shower.

Gotta start somewhere.

Our GoFundMe Page, to help with our move.

"What did you do to that baby?" and good news about my mom.

Today is going pretty well. Some personal drama has been cleaned up and I can officially wipe my hands of it, which feels nice. I even went and got my TN tags (just in time to move back to KS, but at least my car is legal! Now to just get the lien release from my Credit Union and get my title, since my car is paid off, but hey now - one productive thing at a time right now.)

I realise more and more that depression really takes a hit on how much you get done in a day. I've been awful and slacking majorly but it's slowly getting better. Will a relocation help? Maybe. Not in any real sense like things will be 'easier' in Kansas, but maybe just changing my scenery will help me break out of this funk I've settled into since Jackson was born. He's even been getting more settled back in at home. Today he stopped screaming every time I sat him down. This has been very helpful for my sanity. Him and I even took a nap on the couch today, which is totally something we normally do. That felt good. Plus he got to try some hot and sour soup today when we stopped for lunch, I swear that kid will eat anything. I love it. Exposure, exposure, exposure! Right now he's giggling at me as he pulls himself up on the side of his new play pen. We're headed to LaLayna's for dinner soon. This is the best I've felt in quite some time. 

Jackson in his new playpen, passed out with his bottle yesterday (yeah, yeah I know it isn't good but it was the first nap he'd taken in over a week - I was taking what I could get), and all packed up to hang out at LaLayna's - look closely, mommy has 3 beers packed in that diaper bag.

My mom was moved out of the SICU today and is in a normal room at the hospital. This is great news, essentially, it means she's out of critical condition and is now really on her path to recovery. It's going to be a very long, very bumpy road but I'm sure we'll all be able to make it through it. From what I hear from my dad and sister she's doing leaps and bounds better. She was comfortable for the first time yesterday - even laughing and joking a bit with my family. She watched a little TV and even got some sleep. I can't wait to see her so I can actually talk to her because I haven't since before her accident. 

A weird thing happened at lunch today. We were eating and I was feeding Jackson as I was eating. Well, Jackson was fussy because he was tired but also tired because he needed a nap so he was going from giggling, to opening his mouth for food, to crying in about .005 seconds and just switching back and forth. I've learned a tired baby is the most unpredictable thing in the world. They're like pregnant women, ha! Anyway, our server was at the table one of the times he started crying and she looked at me and said "What did you do to that baby?". Now I realize people say this and mean it as a joke but this got under my skin and I nearly came unglued. I bit my tongue until she left and Russ asked me what was wrong. I was pissed. Here is the thing - I've been struggling with postpartum depression for months. It sort of... waxes and wanes most of the time. Right now, it's waxing. I hardly saw him for over a week and heard nothing from my family but 'what a great baby he was' how he 'never cries' etc. What has he done since I've had him? Come unglued, constantly. Screamed at me anytime I even think of setting him down. He's not napping. He's not sleeping well. So of course what am I thinking? "Why am I such a bad mother, clearly, because everybody else said he was so good - he's not good for me?" Now I know his life was turned upside down. I know that taking care of a baby for a few days, knowing you can 'give him back', is much different than being 'stuck' with him. I know that maybe he really did miss me and he's scared I'll leave him with strangers again so he's become attached. I know all of these things but if my brain thought rationally right now, I would be having depression problems would I? So when a stranger asks me what I did to my child to make him start crying it really hurts my feelings, a lot. I already feel like a complete and total failure. Even if I know that babies cry. They just do. Sometimes for reasons, sometimes for no reason, sometimes you can't do a damn thing except for hold them and whisper to them, or sing, or bark like a dog (seriously, this works for my son - I have no idea why I know this - but trust me it works) until they stop crying. 

Just something to think about, if you're ever talking to new mothers. Maybe it's a joke to you but they make take it very seriously to heart, so much so that it hurts. I learned a new kind of ache when I learned what it felt like to think you were a bad mother. All pain is relative but I can tell you - it hurts. 

I put a wrap in my hair, seen on the left of the picture. A small way of physically changing something to help enhance my mood during a time of stress. Then on the right a bracelet I got with Jackson's name. My new favorite piece of jewlery.

Home Sweet Home

It's been a few days. It's nice - because that means I haven't been sitting by myself stewing with nothing else to do but write. It's funny, because briefly part of me felt strange that I hadn't written. Like this was another thing I had made some sort of commitment to but then failed. I realized though that this is for me. So if I don't feel like writing and I don't write. That's fine!

It's been an insane few days. Russ got to KS on Wednesday evening. He literally jumped out of his car and ran over to give me one of those big, giant hugs he's so good at. We gathered up my stuff and headed to Lawrence to get dinner. We decide to eat at Freestate Brewery and headed downtown. The host there tells us we've got about a 30 minute wait so we head around the corner and sit on the steps in front of the Lawrence Journal World building. I get the text that our table is ready after only about 5 minutes and we hurry back for our table.

I'm pretty sure these two missed each other. This was during lunch on Wednesday.

After dinner, I would realize I left my wallet sitting on those steps. We rush back and it's missing. We head back to the car to make sure I hadn't left it there and it is definitely missing. We head back and check the dumpster and bushes because maybe somebody just stole my cash and ditched my wallet. Nothing. We head back to the car and start driving to Topeka. I had sent out a message to my coworkers at Pet World that if somebody called about my wallet to let me know (I still have business cards inside of it) and one of them messages me back that a lady called! We give her a call - she's at Freestate of all places having dinner and we turn around and meet her there. Russ has the idea to buy her and her friend's dinner so while I'm talking to them he finds their server and pays for their bill. She calls later and thanks us, I'm relieved.

We go and get Jackson from my sister's and head to my Granny's house. We all three lay in bed and fall asleep. I've missed them both so much and we get a decent night's rest. The next day we're up at the hospital briefly. My sister had stayed the night before and there isn't much change. They're still backing off her vent and having to lower her sedation so she's a bit agitated but they're doing what they can. We head to Lawrence and we spend the day apartment hunting. We find a place we like and apply for it. Finger's crossed we'll get approved because that's definitely the only place we found that we applied for.

We have dinner at my Grandmother's house that night. I have hardly seen them in years because we haven't got along very often. She's nice to me though and she'd been watching Jackson all week for me so we all play nice and it ends up being a pretty nice evening. We get up the next morning and we head back to TN. We've planned on stopping in St.Louis (because it's about halfway between Topeka, KS and Spring Hill, TN) and go to the zoo with Jackson. Jackson is great in the car, we have to stop for lunch at this tiny little diner but in no time we're at the zoo. It's only open for two more hours, which is totally not enough time to even see like half of it, but we have a good time anyway.

Russ showing Jackson his favorite sort of lemur! We even got Jackson a stuffed one before we left. 

The drive back to TN is long and feels like it gets longer the longer we're driving it. Eventually though we're in Illinois... then Kentucky... and finally we're back in Tennessee. LaLayna calls me on our way back and tells me my car isn't parked out front anymore and she isn't sure why. There is some panic, I shut down. This is the last thing I need but after about 20 silent minutes of staring out of the windshield I accept that I can't do anything about it. We stop, get my key from her and head home. My car definitely isn't there. 

 This is about 25 minutes away from home. It was a welcomed sight! 

I call around this morning and find out my car was towed because my tag had expired. It's $200 to get it from the tow lot. I'm frustrated and upset but it is what it is, I suppose. I can't figure out my tags until Monday but the tow guy warns me not to park back at my apartment because the manager is on a "rampage" about this stuff and has all of the cars written down so she's going to keep on this. We park it at Kroger by my house and I just concede to being glad it wasn't stolen.

Jackson barely slept last night after sleeping all day in the car and now he's not slept really at all today. He fell asleep awhile ago and I laid him down and he's already awake. He's angry and yelling and I keep going in and patting the bed to lay him back down to get him to settle back down and go back to sleep but his schedule is all messed up. I'm frustrated, but honestly dealing with being a mom is pretty welcome after missing him and my family for so long. Him and I have had fun tonight, even if he's a disaster right now. 

Jackson getting a bath tonight at home and then asleep on me after we read "Horton Hears a Who". 

What I haven't mentioned yet is my mom. Yesterday, while I'm driving back to TN. They were able to extubate her. She is breathing on her own and was even able to eat on her own some yesterday. She's responsive to my family there but when I FaceTime'd with her on my sister's phone she didn't acknowledge me in anyway. I know she's in pain and probably confused but I would be lying to say I'm not sort of... frustrated? Maybe it the word I want to use that the day I left she essentially woke up. I miss her but I'm glad she's doing better. 

He's crying on my lap now. Teething. Poor guy. Russ is at work all night so it's just us. 

When you hit your bottom you start looking up

It wasn't a lie last night that it had been the worst day of my life. It was temporary though, because today is far from it. Sherry texted me this morning and told me something a friend of hers had said to her when her daughter was in the NICU "Right now you're in the middle of it so it feels like forever. But every sunset is a celebration that you're one day closer to the end." and I had my sunset yesterday and today is a new day.

My family's favorite nurse took my mom for day shift and she had a student with her. That student is lucky she's getting to learn from an amazing nurse, I'm glad to see she's given the opportunity to teach. There is a lot as far as compassion goes that I feel like she can share. 

There is a weight off of my shoulders that she's with my mom today. They're playing with her ventilator settings but so far today has been quiet and I'm thankful for that.

I slept from about 6am until 8am and my father had called and texted me a handful of times worried. I talk to him and ease some of his worries. I know he's scared and lost with my mother gone. He's understanding and sweet about me not getting back to him right away, he understands that my sleep is weird here. 

Russ left TN at 8am after my amazing friend LaLayna made him breakfast before he left. I'm blessed to have them in my life. After our grumpy little blowout last night we've been fine today. We aren't grudge holders.

I'm thankful of the care my mother has received here. I'm glad they airlifted her here instead of keeping her in Topeka.

I go and get some lunch after packing up my things from her room. This is my last day staying here because Russ will be here by the late afternoon. My sister will take over for me in about 4 hours. 

While I'm downstairs I pick up a thank you card for her nurses (and everyone taking care of her). I write specific notes in it for the three nurses we've asked not to care for my mother. I explain that emotions are raw and I understand that no one, especially not myself, is perfect. That I understand their perceived mistakes in her care were not personal against her and that they're all great nurses who are capable and qualified at their jobs. Our decision was also not personal, just emotional, and thanked them for everything they do and have done. 

I then thanked my favorite nurses. The ones who have treated my mother and myself as family. I write a long, sappy note to them. 

I also write a note to everyone else in the hospital. I say thank you and explain that I understand it takes a "village" to run a hospital. From the doctors to the housekeeping staff. 

The front of the card I got the staff.

I feel better going to TN knowing she really is in good hands. 

The nurses just finished their afternoon assessment. There isn't much change today. I wish she would respond and follow commands but no one has ever been able to rush my mother. She will do things in her own time. While I hope that things turn out for the best in this situation I have finally come to terms with the fact that even if my mother doesn't make it life will continue on. I will grieve and have to tell Jackson stories about his grandmother I wish she'd have been able to tell him herself but I will have to be strong for my family. Jackson needs his mom just like I've needed mine all of these years and as I face loosing my mother I want to do everything in my power to keep him from loosing me too early. 

Mom's are important. I'm not saying dad's aren't. Or other family members aren't. Just, there is something special about your mom, isn't there? Maybe it becomes a bigger deal when you've had your own kids. Knowing first hand the sacrifices she made for me that I never acknowledged and she did without promise of a payoff. 

I think she knows that I love her and while I'm very sad that I can't speak to her now, I know that the last time we spoke she was excited for my move back to KS, she was proud of the mother I was becoming, and we exchanged honest and sincere "I love you"s. 

I will be okay. This will be okay. Even if at times it doesn't feel like it will be I still have a loving, supportive family. Some of whom are the family I've choosen for myself and some of them are by blood. We will make it through this together.

My mom's unit at the hospital. I've been walking through these doors multiple times a day, everyday.

I'm lonely.

Dropping my mom off of propofol doesn't work. She's uncomfortable and refuses to settle or follow commands. Today has been awful as she's been miserable for most of it. I understand medically why today had to happen but as her daughter I'm not pleased. She was hit by a minivan though, she's bound to be uncomfortable I suppose.

My sister and I are nicer to each other today. That's good at least. My dad is more and more upset by the day. I feel guilty that I'm not closer to my family during this time but those are choices we all made. None of us are perfect, I'm just thankful we try to be close when we all really need each other, even if it's not very normal. Although I think it's more that they're all pretty close and I'm the one who isn't. 

I walked to Taco Bell today. Baha Blast soda is basically legal crack so I think maybe that will cheer me up, my sauce packets are surprisingly meaningful "when nothing goes right, go left". Nothing is going right here so maybe left is what I need to do tomorrow. I've already made plans to leave the hospital. Maybe that really is what I need.

Sauce packet wisdom, like fortune cookies only weirder.

It's just hard. I hear people in the waiting room talking about not staying with their loved ones while they're intubated and unconscious like this because there is "nothing they can do, they'll need them when they're awake" and while I do understand that school of thought. I feel like while my mother isn't conscious to stand up for herself, ask for things, and understand what's happening she needs an advocate. She needs someone here to tell the nurse to get her butt back in this room and clean her off after she's soiled herself. She needs someone to cover her up if they've accidentally left her exposed. She's helpless. 

My mom is an amazingly strong woman who is more than capable of standing up for herself if we can get her woken up. While I know she'll need company I also know she will fight for herself and be okay once she can communicate again. For right now I have to be her voice and the idea of leaving her here alone is terrifying. 

My sister will come and stay with her after tonight. She feels less comfortable than I do with some of the medical stuff but I know she will always have my mom's best interests in mind. 

I've been so lonely tonight. I think everyone feels so bad for me they're not sure what to say to me so things with most of my friends have gotten awkward. I can't blame them because I'm not really a bundle of joy to be around. I switch from quiet and sad to rambling and angry as quickly as I take a breath sometimes. I've run some of my support ragged though because I've been in bad shape for months before this even happened and now it's only worse.

I'm even fighting with Russ today. In way, I'm sure this is currently the worst day of my life. That might sound dramatic but my hands are shaking and I'm so upset I can't even cry or scream. I'm just staring.  It's probably my fault we're fighting. I'm frustrated and incapable of being supportive to him. Everybody else is leaning on me and I'm buckling under the pressure. Crumbling, is maybe more accurate. Honestly? I hate myself right now. It's not rational and it's not helpful but it's true. I'm a complete basket case. I'm sitting in the corner of a hallway at a hospital that feels more familiar than my own home does right now.

If you look closely there is a balloon floating against the ceiling. I'm pretty sure that misplaced, unreachable Get Well Soon balloon and I are kindred spirits right now.

Not today, we'll try tomorrow

Last night is hard. Her nurse has the light on most of the night so I don't sleep much, this morning I get some by laying my northface jacket over my face and total exhaustion sets in and I get an hour and a half or so.

When I wake up she's agitated. Alarms are going off on her ventilator. Their trial isn't going well. She isn't able to follow commands, her head is lashing back and forth, she's taking panicked short breaths, and things don't look good. 

We try to see if she'll respond to me asking her to follow commands. She doesn't. I spend the morning holding her hand, which is restrained at her wrist, as her nails dig into me as she squeezes and pulls at my hand. This goes on for a couple of hours. I sit by her bed and try to hold myself together.

I've held her hand most of today as they adjust her sedation. I pray she doesn't remember any of this.

This morning my mom's new nurse and her student following her are in the room. We all hear loud, wet gas sounds from her bowels and neither of them bother to check and see if she's soiled herself. The student even mentions it, but the nurse doesn't say or do anything about it. I check and she has soiled herself so I go and find them and tell them she needs to be cleaned off and the pads under her changed. They do it without any issue but I'm frustrated.

I talk to a doctor later and explain my frustration with him. If I knew it needed to be checked there is no way that nurse didn't know. He agrees and he gets me the nurse manager. He's nice, although he comes in after my dad and sister are here (and I hadn't told them about this yet) and we talk. He agrees that's not how he'd like his nurses to treat her. That every nurse should be treating her as if she were a loved member of their own family. He promises to have a talk with her and leaves.

So I explain a bit more to my dad and sister what had happened. I hadn't honestly planned on telling them and worrying them about it but now they know. That's alright, they're both happy I stood up for mom. 

We have lunch and talk for a bit, my dad doesn't want to stay long because she wasn't able to be extubated today. They meet with her case manager about some paperwork they need done. She's the payee for my father's social security and he can't access any of his money without her. 

I tell my family that when my husband drives up tomorrow I can't stay at the hospital anymore. I need to stay with him and my son for my own sanity. We also talk about the fact that on Friday we are all headed back to TN so that we can figure out our move to KS in the weeks to come.

Part of me feels guilty that I can't stay but I'm not helpful if I loose my mind. I also have to be a mother to my own son and a wife to my husband. 

Maybe I'll walk down to the restaurant Ande and I ate at last night and get a drink, I want to see how she does after they backed off her one drug to see if the other has taken effect. They had to because her blood pressure started to drop. I want to be sure she's going to be comfortable before I leave though. She can't tell them when she's uncomfortable so she needs someone here to advocate for her. Plus, poor thing is having hot flashes so I've been putting a cool washcloth on her forehead all afternoon. Once she's quiet I'll either nap or head out for a walk.

Took this earlier on a whim. My reflection on the ceiling outside the SICU.

4 plates, lots of screws, & a dinner date.

My mom's surgery was a success. I feel like I need to start this post off there. Whew. Another step forward. The surgeon described what they had to do to fix her elbow and shoulder. It was intense. Once they had the X-rays I'll post pictures, it sounds insane from the picture he drew us, but I'll get to that later.

After my last post I walked back to the hospital. Stopping at the bookstore to buy my son KU onesie now that we will be living back in KS, gotta represent. After that I headed upstairs and met with my family. It had already been a couple hours and we hadn't heard anything but , you know, we were expecting 5+ hours in surgery so that wasn't surprising. I tried to lay on the floor with a blanket over my head and sleep but another family in the waiting room was just too loud. I wasn't mad, it's a public space, not only that but her husband was in a head on collision and may not make it. She and her family could be loud, but it meant I couldn't sleep. After a bit I crawled up onto two chairs I pushed together and briefly ( I'm talking 15 minutes ) fell asleep before I was woken up again. Eventually, I gave up. My dad and I talked a bit, but things continued on their tense, quiet path. 

Me on the floor under my hospital issued blanket. Grumpy everybody is so loud.

After a bit a nurse comes in and gives us and update. Her elbow is done and there is at least an hour left on her shoulder. The time goes by slowly but eventually we're asked to wait in a small room to talk to the doctor.

This makes all of us nervous because every other time the doctor has just spoken to us in the waiting room. So, we sit and wait and finally in he comes with a smile on his face. Things went well, he shakes our hands and then I realize suddenly, with an inward chuckle, why he wanted us to in that room. 

There is a whiteboard. He wanted to draw for us how he fixed her arm and where her bones had been broken. We sit and watch. He uses a black marker for her bones and a red marker for the breaks and explains how and why they put it back together the way they did. She has 4 plates in her arm now and I didn't even try to count the screws at the time ( hint: it was a lot ). There was even a piece of bone he left alone and he hopes will heal on it's own. 

We thank him and go back to see her. Deb, my dad's favorite nurse, has already settled her flowers back on her bed next to her and is drawing some blood. My dad hugs me, then Deb, and heads outside. He's exhausted and tired but needed to see her before he could leave. 

My sister stays for a bit. Things are still quiet and tense. She tells me she envies that I'm displaced from my home and just staying at the hospital and... Before I let her finish I interrupt her "you shouldn't" I snapped. She'd said something similar earlier in the day that had rubbed me wrong and her saying it again sets me off. She apologizes for upsetting me, she gets that I'm grumpy and upset and I tell her I just really didn't need to hear how much she envied me right then. 

It's quiet for a few minutes until she tells me maybe she'll see me tomorrow and she walks out shaking her head and clearly upset. She texts me later and I'm a jerk who didn't respond because I'm still too upset to say anything nice. 

I know she loves me and that her mom is in the hospital too and everybody is tense and upset. Honestly I wish both of us had handled the situation better but it's over now. I'll text her before I go to bed tonight, as soon as I know I won't instigate a fight with her. Neither of us need that.

In the midst of my minor blow out with my sister Ande, my good friend, texts me to ask if I still want to go to dinner and my answer is absolutely yes. She heads this way and right after my sister leaves, I leave too.

She picks me up and we drive a couple of blocks to Blue Koi, an Asian restaurant that she's been too and has been featured on TV Shows. We order bubble tea and way too much food and we talk and eat and I vent. My sanity is temporarily restored afterwards. 

Crunchy tempura veggies, dumplings, and seafood soup - YUM! 

Currently I'm back in my mom's room. Nothing going on tonight other than her resting. Tomorrow may be another really big day when they try to get her extubated. I hope my mom is still in there. I need to go home on Friday. To lay in bed with my boys and cuddle. To bribe a shoulder rub from my husband and see my cats. My mom is a strong woman, once she's awake she can do a lot of her own fighting at the hospital but while she's sedated so heavily like this nobody is here to speak for her if I'm not. That's why I'm here. If she can wake up and breathe on her own this week I can go home and rest a little easier. Maybe that's selfish, but everyone is selfish sometimes. Plus I want her to get better for both of us - really all of us - because my entire family loves her.

Get better mom. 

One of our favorite nurses decorated her door with flowers while she was in surgery.