Reading the signs & the nipple thing.

Sunday starts like most days at the hospital. A nurse in my mother's room suctioning out the ventilator tubing helping her breathe. Checking vital signs. You know, doing their job. She's nice, we hadn't met before, her name is Tiffany and she goes over her plan for the day. 

They're going to pause her sedation and try to lower the settings on her ventilator and give her lungs a better chance to practice breathing, which they have to do before they can extubate her next week (fingers crossed). There is also a CT scan ordered around noon to make sure the blood thinners they've put her on haven't caused any problems with the slight bleeding she'd had in her brain after her accident. 

So I take a breath and make a hard decision to go ahead and leave the hospital for the day. 

I drive the hour to Topeka to see my family. I take my first shower since Tuesday morning, I get to see my son, who I like to think had missed me, and our family plans out a day to distract ourselves. Plus, we all want Jackson to have some fun - he's also been stressed and displaced through all of this.

The first plan is Tortilla Jacks. This little hole in the wall Mexican food place is my favorite place in all of Topeka. I've been craving it for months in TN (complaining at length on the phone to my parents about how much I want it). I get a ham burrito. It's as amazingly awful as it sounds - deli meat ham chopped into pieces put into a burrito with red sauce, cheese, and beans then covered in sauce and melted cheese. I have no regrets about my food binge.

The aftermath of my ham burrito. It's the most amazing thing that should totally be gross but just isn't. Plus, my mom hooked me on them.

After TJ's we head to Gage Park. The plan there is swinging and more importantly, the zoo. My sister, her husband, Jackson, and I beat my father there so we hang out and swing for awhile. That boy loves to swing.

I took this right after swinging . He's so adorable. 

We see my dad pull in and we go to the zoo. We have a nice time, it's cub scouts day so there are tons of people there but that's alright. The zoo has 3 baby tigers , who we get to see playing with their mom. This kills me because tigers are one of my husbands favorite zoo animals. I promise him I'll bring him there soon. I can tell he's very upset and lonely and misses us as I send him pictures and videos of our adventure. My son is amazing and doesn't fuss at all. We leave after seeing about 75% of the zoo. We are all exhausted, including Jackson. 

They were incredibly cute but this too reminds me that my mom is in the hospital.

I have pictures of myself ontop of that statue, though my sister cut it out of the frame in this picture. 

Fast asleep right after we got to the car.

We head back to my sister's and I give Jackson early dinner. We hang out for a bit, the mood is strange and quiet. I decide to head back to the hospital, hug everyone then kiss Jackson. I'll see my sister and dad tomorrow for mom's surgery.

On the way back I stop at my Granny's and we chat and hang out. She tells me she's scared God will take her before my mom is better and she won't get to see her, plus then my mom will hate herself for not being there when she goes. This breaks my heart. 

Finally, my aunt who lives in Australia calls and I say my goodbye so they can talk, I need to get back to the hospital anyway.

On my way back I call LaLayna, my best friend in TN. We've hardly seen each other or talked in weeks with all of the drama in my life. We talk and I vent. I realize I'm moving in a matter of weeks now and I won't be at her house for dinner every week. Jackson won't get to see Murphy (her amazing dog) and that whole thing starts to upset me. 

Jackson and LaLa's amazing dog, Murphy. I'll miss LaLayna more but gosh her dog is cool!

After we hang up I'm again consumed by guilt that I left the hospital for the day. The closer I get, the worse it is. I park and head up to my mom's room. I have no idea my entire evening is about to explode but I suppose that's what things under pressure have to do eventually, blow off the steam. 

The second floor SICU is my home-away-from-home it seems.

The doors are closed to my mom's unit, which is more unsual than not most days, so I try to call back to be let in and nobody answers. Somebody opens the door with their badge and I sneak through behind them. When I turn the corner into mom's room my heart stops. 

Her curtain is pulled back and her gown is haphazardly hanging down and displaced so I can see the nipple on her right breast. I loose my cool. I cover her up and stand in the doorway, fuming, waiting for whoever her new nurse is. 

A man down the hall makes eye contact with me a couple of times and ignores me, finally a different nurse sees I'm upset and asks what's wrong, I go off on her. She gets my mom's nurse, who is actually that same man just down the hall.

He has a thousand excuses as to what must have happened. It's shift change, he hasn't really gotten to her yet, etc. none of it matters to me because that's my mom and she isn't to be treated like a body lying on a bed. She's a person. A wonderful, amazing person who takes care of everyone and nobody was taking care of her then. I'm overwhelmed now by guilt that I left her.

The nurse, Jay, tiptoes around me. Terrified? I think. Because I'm sobbing and angry and clearly his excuse hasn't eased my feelings. 

Another nurse comes by, because somehow my mom's call switch had been pressed, and she notices something is wrong. "Did you come down with a cold, honey?" She asks as I'm blowing my nose in the corner. My answer can only be described as emotional vomit. I tell her that I've been here for days and the first time I leave I come back to this. I'm upset about a million other things but this has sent me overboard. She asks Jay to leave and she goes and gets me their boss for the evening who happens to be my absolute favorite nurse from the night before. She's also an older lady and she treated my mom as if she were her own mother. I tell her what happened, still sobbing. By this point my "rage" is a sobbing apology that I got so mad and so upset. They're kind, she switches my mom's nurse while the other woman stays with me and talks to me to calm me down.

I meet her new nurse who is young and nice. I'm also sure she's been told what just happened so she's incredibly kind to me and understanding.

Now I don't think anything inappropriate happened to my mom. She can't even really wear her gown because she's attached to so many tubes and wires and if I had to guess the entire thing was just a complete accident. I decide to not tell my dad about it when I call him for his update. He hears that I'm upset and I tell him it's just the runny nose I've started to get. Maybe he will read this one day and if so I'm sorry dad, I didn't want to upset you more because trust me I was upset enough for the both of us. 

In all of this I realize my mom's hair has become a total mess from being bed ridden for a week. She has a small mat on the back of it which I cut out and I spend some time brushing out her hair. I've been afraid to touch her much but I overcome this to do this small thing. A small thing that feels awful. Brushing my mom's hair, like she did for me when I was a child, makes me realize how helpless she is right now. I avoid the staples they had to put in her head and get her hair brushed. Afterwards I'm glad I did. Somehow she looks more comfortable. 

Now I'm not incredibly religious, at least that's what I tell people. Maybe I don't even believe in "God" as some people do. I don't attend church (and never have). I have read the bible a time or two. I believe in Something though. A lot, actually. Today two things happened that reassured any doubt I've had through this. 

First was when I was coming into the hospital earlier. I turned on the dome light in the car I'm driving to gather my things. I get them together, lock the doors, and go to head inside. The last thing I had grabbed was my dirty sweat pants incase I got cold and as I'm walking to the exit of the parking garage my panties from yesterday fall out of them, I pick them up, turn around and realize I had left the light turned on in the car. I would have ran the battery out. 

Thanks up there, I didn't need that ontop of everything else. 

The second was my mom's call light being on to call that other nurse into my mom's room. I can't remember her name but she was, literally I believe, called by Someone to help me tonight. I needed that, too.

Well it's 5am and I've hardly slept. It's been a rough night and I'm nervous about surgery today. My husband is stressed and upset and I miss him. I want to be able to go home on Friday and I feel selfish for feeling that way.

I hope surgery goes well today. I hope this week goes well. Right now all I can do is rest at her bedside. 

My moms fluids, along with her sedation, and pain medications are all run by this pump.