I realise more and more that depression really takes a hit on how much you get done in a day. I've been awful and slacking majorly but it's slowly getting better. Will a relocation help? Maybe. Not in any real sense like things will be 'easier' in Kansas, but maybe just changing my scenery will help me break out of this funk I've settled into since Jackson was born. He's even been getting more settled back in at home. Today he stopped screaming every time I sat him down. This has been very helpful for my sanity. Him and I even took a nap on the couch today, which is totally something we normally do. That felt good. Plus he got to try some hot and sour soup today when we stopped for lunch, I swear that kid will eat anything. I love it. Exposure, exposure, exposure! Right now he's giggling at me as he pulls himself up on the side of his new play pen. We're headed to LaLayna's for dinner soon. This is the best I've felt in quite some time.
Jackson in his new playpen, passed out with his bottle yesterday (yeah, yeah I know it isn't good but it was the first nap he'd taken in over a week - I was taking what I could get), and all packed up to hang out at LaLayna's - look closely, mommy has 3 beers packed in that diaper bag.
My mom was moved out of the SICU today and is in a normal room at the hospital. This is great news, essentially, it means she's out of critical condition and is now really on her path to recovery. It's going to be a very long, very bumpy road but I'm sure we'll all be able to make it through it. From what I hear from my dad and sister she's doing leaps and bounds better. She was comfortable for the first time yesterday - even laughing and joking a bit with my family. She watched a little TV and even got some sleep. I can't wait to see her so I can actually talk to her because I haven't since before her accident.
A weird thing happened at lunch today. We were eating and I was feeding Jackson as I was eating. Well, Jackson was fussy because he was tired but also tired because he needed a nap so he was going from giggling, to opening his mouth for food, to crying in about .005 seconds and just switching back and forth. I've learned a tired baby is the most unpredictable thing in the world. They're like pregnant women, ha! Anyway, our server was at the table one of the times he started crying and she looked at me and said "What did you do to that baby?". Now I realize people say this and mean it as a joke but this got under my skin and I nearly came unglued. I bit my tongue until she left and Russ asked me what was wrong. I was pissed. Here is the thing - I've been struggling with postpartum depression for months. It sort of... waxes and wanes most of the time. Right now, it's waxing. I hardly saw him for over a week and heard nothing from my family but 'what a great baby he was' how he 'never cries' etc. What has he done since I've had him? Come unglued, constantly. Screamed at me anytime I even think of setting him down. He's not napping. He's not sleeping well. So of course what am I thinking? "Why am I such a bad mother, clearly, because everybody else said he was so good - he's not good for me?" Now I know his life was turned upside down. I know that taking care of a baby for a few days, knowing you can 'give him back', is much different than being 'stuck' with him. I know that maybe he really did miss me and he's scared I'll leave him with strangers again so he's become attached. I know all of these things but if my brain thought rationally right now, I would be having depression problems would I? So when a stranger asks me what I did to my child to make him start crying it really hurts my feelings, a lot. I already feel like a complete and total failure. Even if I know that babies cry. They just do. Sometimes for reasons, sometimes for no reason, sometimes you can't do a damn thing except for hold them and whisper to them, or sing, or bark like a dog (seriously, this works for my son - I have no idea why I know this - but trust me it works) until they stop crying.
Just something to think about, if you're ever talking to new mothers. Maybe it's a joke to you but they make take it very seriously to heart, so much so that it hurts. I learned a new kind of ache when I learned what it felt like to think you were a bad mother. All pain is relative but I can tell you - it hurts.
I put a wrap in my hair, seen on the left of the picture. A small way of physically changing something to help enhance my mood during a time of stress. Then on the right a bracelet I got with Jackson's name. My new favorite piece of jewlery.
No comments:
Post a Comment