I'm lonely.

Dropping my mom off of propofol doesn't work. She's uncomfortable and refuses to settle or follow commands. Today has been awful as she's been miserable for most of it. I understand medically why today had to happen but as her daughter I'm not pleased. She was hit by a minivan though, she's bound to be uncomfortable I suppose.

My sister and I are nicer to each other today. That's good at least. My dad is more and more upset by the day. I feel guilty that I'm not closer to my family during this time but those are choices we all made. None of us are perfect, I'm just thankful we try to be close when we all really need each other, even if it's not very normal. Although I think it's more that they're all pretty close and I'm the one who isn't. 

I walked to Taco Bell today. Baha Blast soda is basically legal crack so I think maybe that will cheer me up, my sauce packets are surprisingly meaningful "when nothing goes right, go left". Nothing is going right here so maybe left is what I need to do tomorrow. I've already made plans to leave the hospital. Maybe that really is what I need.

Sauce packet wisdom, like fortune cookies only weirder.

It's just hard. I hear people in the waiting room talking about not staying with their loved ones while they're intubated and unconscious like this because there is "nothing they can do, they'll need them when they're awake" and while I do understand that school of thought. I feel like while my mother isn't conscious to stand up for herself, ask for things, and understand what's happening she needs an advocate. She needs someone here to tell the nurse to get her butt back in this room and clean her off after she's soiled herself. She needs someone to cover her up if they've accidentally left her exposed. She's helpless. 

My mom is an amazingly strong woman who is more than capable of standing up for herself if we can get her woken up. While I know she'll need company I also know she will fight for herself and be okay once she can communicate again. For right now I have to be her voice and the idea of leaving her here alone is terrifying. 

My sister will come and stay with her after tonight. She feels less comfortable than I do with some of the medical stuff but I know she will always have my mom's best interests in mind. 

I've been so lonely tonight. I think everyone feels so bad for me they're not sure what to say to me so things with most of my friends have gotten awkward. I can't blame them because I'm not really a bundle of joy to be around. I switch from quiet and sad to rambling and angry as quickly as I take a breath sometimes. I've run some of my support ragged though because I've been in bad shape for months before this even happened and now it's only worse.

I'm even fighting with Russ today. In way, I'm sure this is currently the worst day of my life. That might sound dramatic but my hands are shaking and I'm so upset I can't even cry or scream. I'm just staring.  It's probably my fault we're fighting. I'm frustrated and incapable of being supportive to him. Everybody else is leaning on me and I'm buckling under the pressure. Crumbling, is maybe more accurate. Honestly? I hate myself right now. It's not rational and it's not helpful but it's true. I'm a complete basket case. I'm sitting in the corner of a hallway at a hospital that feels more familiar than my own home does right now.

If you look closely there is a balloon floating against the ceiling. I'm pretty sure that misplaced, unreachable Get Well Soon balloon and I are kindred spirits right now.