Have you ever told yourself after this one next thing happens, you'll feel better? Then, instead of feeling better you convince yourself you're drowning in an ocean of entirely different problems?
That's today.
Yesterday I kept thing that once we heard about the apartment today I would feel a lot better. We'd know if we had a place to live, we would pick a move in date, and I could start slowing packing and preparing to move in... oh my goodness... a week? Two?
But then how are we actually going to move. How much is a truck going to cost? How are we going to get both of our cars there and all of our stuff? Are we even going to, realistically, have enough money for not only that - but food and diapers? What if we don't?
I told someone earlier I feel like I'm standing in the middle of a mud pit. I can figure out how to get out of it but I need help getting all of the tools to do it. So I'm standing in the middle of it asking (and in some cases, begging) for the people we know to help us. We do have a lot of help in different places. We're fortunate enough to have people who will give help when they can. We've tried to live by that... when you have it to give, give it, so you'll keep having it sort of mentality so maybe that's why we're still fortunate enough to have people who will help. I've just had to ask for so much help lately.
But I'll have to ask for more at some point, you know?
I struggle. I feel like I've spent large portions of my life struggling. Sometimes that's hard, when you see people around you who seem to float through life so... comfortably. Now of course you don't know where they've struggled and maybe they haven't but that their own life. We all struggle from time to time and the fact of the matter is you have to choose to get through your struggles or give up. I've looked at giving up. I've held the option in my hand, turned it from side to side, examined it, and I've always seemed to choose putting it back on the self. Sure, it's always an option. To say "Giving up isn't an option!" is just a lie. Maybe it's not an option you'll choose but some of us have to look at that option from time to time and consider why it's so important to not choose it.
For today I've conceded to making two to-do lists. The short one, the kind of one most of us think 'normal' 'functional' people don't have to make. This one reads something like 1. Take a shower 2. Put on clean clothes, not pajamas, clothes 3. Start laundry 4. Clean something, we won't even be specific just clean something today 5. Finish that laundry you started 6. Take Jackson outside, go to the park, anything really 7. Eat something at some point. Sometimes I have to remind myself just to get that stuff done because the next thing I know it's 11pm, Russ is getting home and I'm unshowered, in my pajamas, and we've done nothing but sit inside all day. My bigger to-do list looks something like 1. Figure out how to pay for truck rental 2. Acquire boxes for packing and begin to pack 3. Start deep cleaning areas of the apartment 4. All of the other stuff you can't even figure out you need to do, yet. If I just stare at the one with the big, 'scary' things to do I wont even start on the smaller one.
So for now, while Jackson is awake, fed, changed, and playing I'll take a shower.
Gotta start somewhere.
Our GoFundMe Page, to help with our move.
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