When I wake up she's agitated. Alarms are going off on her ventilator. Their trial isn't going well. She isn't able to follow commands, her head is lashing back and forth, she's taking panicked short breaths, and things don't look good.
We try to see if she'll respond to me asking her to follow commands. She doesn't. I spend the morning holding her hand, which is restrained at her wrist, as her nails dig into me as she squeezes and pulls at my hand. This goes on for a couple of hours. I sit by her bed and try to hold myself together.
I've held her hand most of today as they adjust her sedation. I pray she doesn't remember any of this.
This morning my mom's new nurse and her student following her are in the room. We all hear loud, wet gas sounds from her bowels and neither of them bother to check and see if she's soiled herself. The student even mentions it, but the nurse doesn't say or do anything about it. I check and she has soiled herself so I go and find them and tell them she needs to be cleaned off and the pads under her changed. They do it without any issue but I'm frustrated.
I talk to a doctor later and explain my frustration with him. If I knew it needed to be checked there is no way that nurse didn't know. He agrees and he gets me the nurse manager. He's nice, although he comes in after my dad and sister are here (and I hadn't told them about this yet) and we talk. He agrees that's not how he'd like his nurses to treat her. That every nurse should be treating her as if she were a loved member of their own family. He promises to have a talk with her and leaves.
So I explain a bit more to my dad and sister what had happened. I hadn't honestly planned on telling them and worrying them about it but now they know. That's alright, they're both happy I stood up for mom.
We have lunch and talk for a bit, my dad doesn't want to stay long because she wasn't able to be extubated today. They meet with her case manager about some paperwork they need done. She's the payee for my father's social security and he can't access any of his money without her.
I tell my family that when my husband drives up tomorrow I can't stay at the hospital anymore. I need to stay with him and my son for my own sanity. We also talk about the fact that on Friday we are all headed back to TN so that we can figure out our move to KS in the weeks to come.
Part of me feels guilty that I can't stay but I'm not helpful if I loose my mind. I also have to be a mother to my own son and a wife to my husband.
Maybe I'll walk down to the restaurant Ande and I ate at last night and get a drink, I want to see how she does after they backed off her one drug to see if the other has taken effect. They had to because her blood pressure started to drop. I want to be sure she's going to be comfortable before I leave though. She can't tell them when she's uncomfortable so she needs someone here to advocate for her. Plus, poor thing is having hot flashes so I've been putting a cool washcloth on her forehead all afternoon. Once she's quiet I'll either nap or head out for a walk.
Took this earlier on a whim. My reflection on the ceiling outside the SICU.
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